…wherein el Ducko climbs up on the soapbox to utter some… sausage making
Actually, Folks, I don’t mean to portray our beloved Moderator in a negative light. He is a shrewd businessman, an intelligent judge of character, a gentleman with a heart of gold (Hmmm… cold-hearted?), who has plated many a great meal both real and imagined, always with amazing results. (Some have, no doubt, made medical history.) On most of these cattle drives of the imagination, he has watched over his flock, as well as his herd, with the vigilance of a… um…
Wait! Did I say gold-plated? …shrew?
It’s all in fun, Folks. Well, most of it. …except for that part about the mustache.
Naw, we won’t go there. Instead, let’s all hail the man who works so hard on our behalf, bringing you a wealth of knowledge of the the voluminous yet barely-seen world of microbiology. (Hailstones ready? On my signal, throw!) Next time you’re ready to gnaw the hash off your hash tag, think of the wonderful recipes that have been posted and moderated, that originated in (or were plagiarized by?) his fertile brain. Yup, back there behind the hippocampus and the hippopotamus, lies an amazing wealth of…
Well, the way I figure it, it’s kinda like a peat bog- – gonna make some fine Scotch whiskey, one of these days, but for now, it’s fuel for the imagination.
That’s my explanation, and I’m sticking to it.
————–<The Lead-off Post>————–
Other signs of spring transitioning to summer abound. The local fish hatchery stocks the Guadalupe River and the tail waters of Canyon Lake Dam with trout. The hatch, here too, is similar to the caddis and gingerquill hatches in northern and western climes. Termed the rubber hatch, it manifests itself in bikini-clad coeds from the local colleges, floating the rivers in inner tubes and rafts and not a whole lot else, drinking beer and distracting trout fisherman with the colorful patterns of their skimpy bathing suits.
The waters are still cool at this stage, prompting Nuestra Señora de los Piqueños Pies Frios (Our Lady of Cold Feeties) to decline river float trips in favor of staying home and floating in the spa. Characteristically, as I put sausages and fajitas on the grill and refill her margarita, she waves her hand and orders, “Turn the water temperature up, would you please?”
I comply. Even though it’s already hot enough for boiling bratwurst, I crank it up another five degrees… then sense a moment of truth.
Smiling, I slip a package of crab boil into the skimmer.
by el Ducko
Dunno what this has to do with sausage making, but at least it’s not another lawyer joke.
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(wait for it)
She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
by el Ducko
“We don’t serve faster-than-light neutrinos here,” said the bartender.
I bet you saw that one coming, huh?
by el Ducko
Chinese Grocery Trans-Ocean Airlines………………
and Travelers Advisory……..
by el Ducko
Slight change of plans:
Our take on Kabanosy (which, when translated, comes out “Nano-Sausage”) will be elaborated by using 2 mm Shetland pony casing reinforced with duck tape. Sausages will be stuffed under salt water, off-shore. This precludes the use of collagen casing.
All sausage stuffers must use a blowout preventer constructed by Halliburton, leased by BP. At this small diameter, all spices (especially caraway seeds) must be finely ground.Prior to stuffing, the mince must be worked thoroughly enough to become sticky and develop peaks when pulled apart. This is due to development of actin and myosin, sometimes called the “Twin Peaks” of sausage production. Like the television show of the same name, overworking the sausage or the plot line may result in it becoming mushy.
Worse, sausages, like television personalities, may shrink and appear somewhat flat and wrinkly as excess moisture, viewership, and sponsorship evaporate.The phrase “Cured and Cooked” refers not to the sausage makers themselves, although consumption of alcoholic beverages while working has been known to happen. Few are cured for longer than a few days’ abstention. Rather, it refers to the fact that just this once, no alcohol is added to the recipe, only to the sausage makers. Thus both sausages and sausage makers require a cold shower after smoking. Both also require a drying-out period.
If, during that period, you see a slight accumulation of mold on the outside surface just wipe it off of him, her, or it, as this is normal.Enjoy “Project B,” folks. I know I will.
by el Ducko
My favorite journal. Unfortunately, here at the University, they built an espresso bar and expanded the comic book… excuse me, visual narrative… section of the campus library, and that particular archive had to go.
…very sad. During the demolition, the Biology Department program in Inveterate Invertebrates was inevitably inundated, the Viscera Studies career path was gutted, and the Nano-Engineering degree program was reduced to almost nothing.
The retail store chain, “Bread, Brass, and Be Gone,” announces a revolutionary new sausage making apparatus – single-shot sausages. The equipment uses tiny versions of the popular single serve Koi-Rich coffee pod system, known as the “Poddie.”
It’s easy to use! Just seat a pork butt on the poddie (positioning cat gut or hog casing as required), and don’t forget to flush the equipment between uses.
Feeding your mixture is easy. Above a row of windows, there are two screw eyes and some pads. Fold and insert apples into the windows, then press the button.
Done! As you quickly saw, after Windows Ate, the Apple eye pads were still on top.
Yours in the midst of rampant consumerism,