§ The Duck Blind – Backup

…wherein el Ducko climbs up on the soapbox to utter some… sausage making

 Shrewd Sensitivity From The University Of Northern South Texas

Actually, Folks, I don’t mean to portray our beloved Moderator in a negative light. He is a shrewd businessman, an intelligent judge of character, a gentleman with a heart of gold (Hmmm… cold-hearted?), who has plated many a great meal both real and imagined, always with amazing results. (Some have, no doubt, made medical history.) On most of these cattle drives of the imagination, he has watched over his flock, as well as his herd, with the vigilance of a… um…

Wait! Did I say gold-plated? …shrew?

It’s all in fun, Folks. Well, most of it. …except for that part about the mustache.

Naw, we won’t go there. Instead, let’s all hail the man who works so hard on our behalf, bringing you a wealth of knowledge of the the voluminous yet barely-seen world of microbiology. (Hailstones ready? On my signal, throw!) Next time you’re ready to gnaw the hash off your hash tag, think of the wonderful recipes that have been posted and moderated, that originated in (or were plagiarized by?) his fertile brain. Yup, back there behind the hippocampus and the hippopotamus, lies an amazing wealth of…

Well, the way I figure it, it’s kinda like a peat bog- – gonna make some fine Scotch whiskey, one of these days, but for now, it’s fuel for the imagination.

That’s my explanation, and I’m sticking to it.

Duk

————–<The Lead-off Post>————–
by el Ducko

Changing Seasons
Here at the University of Northern South Texas, we are keen observers of the changing seasons. My students at the Department of Redundancy Department take thorough notes as the annual Monarch butterfly return migration signals the colorful tail end (or maybe, wing tip) of spring, the annual migration south to Mexico giving way to a 5-generation breeding orgy on the way back to Canada, milkweed by milkweed.

Other signs of spring transitioning to summer abound. The local fish hatchery stocks the Guadalupe River and the tail waters of Canyon Lake Dam with trout. The hatch, here too, is similar to the caddis and gingerquill hatches in northern and western climes. Termed the rubber hatch, it manifests itself in bikini-clad coeds from the local colleges, floating the rivers in inner tubes and rafts and not a whole lot else, drinking beer and distracting trout fisherman with the colorful patterns of their skimpy bathing suits.

The waters are still cool at this stage, prompting Nuestra Señora de los Piqueños Pies Frios (Our Lady of Cold Feeties) to decline river float trips in favor of staying home and floating in the spa. Characteristically, as I put sausages and fajitas on the grill and refill her margarita, she waves her hand and orders, “Turn the water temperature up, would you please?”

I comply. Even though it’s already hot enough for boiling bratwurst, I crank it up another five degrees… then sense a moment of truth.

Smiling, I slip a package of crab boil into the skimmer. :lol:

————–<Another Post>————–

by el Ducko

Dunno what this has to do with sausage making, but at least it’s not another lawyer joke.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(wait for it)

She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.” :mrgreen:

————–<Another Post>————–

by el Ducko

In honor of the recent CERN announcement regarding the Higgs boson, we present- – :grin:

“We don’t serve faster-than-light neutrinos here,” said the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar, and sez…

I bet you saw that one coming, huh? :lol: :roll:

————–<Another Post>————–

by el Ducko

Chinese Grocery Trans-Ocean Airlines………………
Safety Slogan………………………..
and Travelers Advisory……..
Dont Crash
————–<Another Post>————–
by el Ducko
Slight change of plans:
Our take on Kabanosy (which, when translated, comes out “Nano-Sausage”) will be elaborated by using 2 mm Shetland pony casing reinforced with duck tape. Sausages will be stuffed under salt water, off-shore. This precludes the use of collagen casing.
All sausage stuffers must use a blowout preventer constructed by Halliburton, leased by BP. At this small diameter, all spices (especially caraway seeds) must be finely ground.Prior to stuffing, the mince must be worked thoroughly enough to become sticky and develop peaks when pulled apart. This is due to development of actin and myosin, sometimes called the “Twin Peaks” of sausage production. Like the television show of the same name, overworking the sausage or the plot line may result in it becoming mushy.
Worse, sausages, like television personalities, may shrink and appear somewhat flat and wrinkly as excess moisture, viewership, and sponsorship evaporate.The phrase “Cured and Cooked” refers not to the sausage makers themselves, although consumption of alcoholic beverages while working has been known to happen. Few are cured for longer than a few days’ abstention. Rather, it refers to the fact that just this once, no alcohol is added to the recipe, only to the sausage makers. Thus both sausages and sausage makers require a cold shower after smoking. Both also require a drying-out period.
If, during that period, you see a slight accumulation of mold on the outside surface just wipe it off of him, her, or it, as this is normal.Enjoy “Project B,” folks. I know I will. :mrgreen:
————-<Another Post>————–
by el Ducko

Duckster versus Chuckster… wrote El Ducko. Then he exclaimed, “Yup, you heard it right- – sausages at fifty paces. I suppose it all started with CW’s joke about adding a pinch of gunpowder to everything you eat. Chuckwagon replied, “Have you ever seen a Duck on peyote? It’s a sad, heartbreaking, and distressful picture! Ross Hill once described the “noise” from an oscilloscope as Continuous Random Amplitudinal Perturbation. I told him I always thought that was the sound of hot gasses being emitted from the south end of a northbound DUCK!”The Duck Drama continues:
:roll:————–<Another Post>————–
by el Ducko
A duck and a man with no trousers on walk into a bar. The duck says to the bartender in an obviously learned-from-television British accent, “My gecko and I require refreshment, My Good Man. Kindly give us beer and kabanosy. We are parched from the desert.”No Pants“They don’t serve yore kind around here,” one of the men at the bar snarls. “Besides, you’re mixin’ up your commercials. AFLAC and GEICO ain’t in the same ads. …not never!” He points to the trouser-less man. “…and what about them missin’ pants? No shirt, no shoes, no service. …no pants, neither.””Don’t worry,” says the duck. “He’s housebroken.” He steps off the man’s head, onto the bar, and grabs a beer mug and a stick of kabanosy. “…unlike your English grammar,” he says in impeccable accent, and sneers.”What do you think this is, a menagerie?” the bartender says. “Git outa here, Duck! …and take your… your…””Meep! Meep!” one of the other bar patrons says, imitating a roadrunner, trying to inject a little levity into the scene and avoid a confrontation. As if from nowhere, a large safe falls, crushing the man.

The bartender turns to the camera. “…a duck? …a gecko? Why here…?” he asks. “Why does this always happen to me?”

The duck wiggles his eyebrows and replies, “Viaduct? Vy not a schicken?” and waggles the kabanosy like a cigar.

…curtain falls, enveloping all in a cloud of dust, as music plays. Coyote looks in, shakes his head, and exits stage left.
“Nyaaaaah, that’s all, folks.” :mrgreen:
__Experience – the ability to instantly recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Last edited by Chuckwagon on Tue Mar 18, 2014 15:26; edited 2 times in total

————–<Another Post>————–
by el Ducko

ssorllih wrote: No department of irreproducible results?
Reply:

My favorite journal. Unfortunately, here at the University, they built an espresso bar and expanded the comic book… excuse me, visual narrative… section of the campus library, and that particular archive had to go. :roll:

…very sad. During the demolition, the Biology Department program in Inveterate Invertebrates was inevitably inundated, the Viscera Studies career path was gutted, and the Nano-Engineering degree program was reduced to almost nothing.
:mrgreen:

————–<Another Post>————–
by el Ducko

The retail store chain, “Bread, Brass, and Be Gone,” announces a revolutionary new sausage making apparatus – single-shot sausages. The equipment uses tiny versions of the popular single serve Koi-Rich coffee pod system, known as the “Poddie.”

It’s easy to use! Just seat a pork butt on the poddie (positioning cat gut or hog casing as required), and don’t forget to flush the equipment between uses. :???:

Feeding your mixture is easy. Above a row of windows, there are two screw eyes and some pads. Fold and insert apples into the windows, then press the button. :!:

Done! As you quickly saw, after Windows Ate, the Apple eye pads were still on top. :roll:

Yours in the midst of rampant consumerism,
El Ducko
:mrgreen:

————–<Another Post>————–
by el Ducko
(This is the one that got the Duck in trouble, regarding Chuckwagon’s personal life. Duck felt really bad about this. Such are the heartaches that true journalists must face. …ducks, too.)Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 21:23News Release
Salt Lake City, UT – Feb.19,2013 – In a bulletin just released to AP (Avian Press) News, massive numbers of forces loyal to Comandante “El Ducko” claim to have overrun the headquarters of one “Chuckwagon,” holed up in the mountains of Utah, taking his position by storm. However, in a surprise development, no one was willing to take over his position of “Supreme Moderator,” so he was forced to remain in the post.Instead, occupying forces concentrated on raiding his supply of sausages and preserved meats, playing his piano in raucous manner, and ransacking the refrigerator for drink.The conquering horde are said to have swarmed out of the Great Basin under cover of darkness. Stated one weary fowl, “We wuz misinformed- – we thought it was a wash basin.”Although it was already after moonset, skies were further darkened by the avian invaders in a scene reminiscent of the locust plague of 1848. The late Carl Sagan, who could not be reached for comment because he has been dead for a number of years, stated that there must have been “billions and billions.” The original witnesses of the locust plague could not be reached for verification, for the same reason.

Throughout the pre-dawn hours, sporadic attacks were carried out by ground troops down in the valley, with SAMs, so-called “Sausage to Air Missiles.” As visibility improved, air superiority was secured with a squadron of Stealth-Coot Fighter / Bombers, fast-scooting ducks who, although not normally carnivorous, had been taught by the Polish Air Force to seek out and destroy stockpiles of kielbasa. As soon as these little guys had filled their bellies and been grounded by excess on-board tummy weight, a wave of Sausage-Armed Drones moved in from the northeast, cyber-commanded via those mysterious signals that guide migrating flocks of ducks on their annual flights north and south. (Why they were flying east and west on this occasion is open to interpretation but has been attributed, like so many other causes, to Martin Luther King’s “Ah Had A Dream” speech.)

The deposed Moderator wandered off after dawn, sputtering and muttering words that sounded vaguely like Latin: “Forum” and “Alternaria, Aspergillus, Botrytis, Cladosporium, Fusarium, Geotrichum, Monilia, Manoscus, Mortierella, Mucor, Neurospora, Oidium, Oosproa, Penicillium, Rhizopus, Thamnidium and such. (…or perhaps they are the names of popular video games.) Fortunately, he has been disarmed, so he does not pose an immediate threat to himself. He was last seen hitchhiking down Interstate 80 with a rucksack full of Csabai and kabanosy and summer sausage. This being winter, an all-points bulletin has been issued. Anyone spotting a tall, imposing, indisposed, deposed-looking man with a sack full of goodies, who shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of…Oh! Wait! That was Santa Claus.
:mrgreen:
_________________————–<A Reply>————–
by Chuckwagon

Oh you poor, poor, man! Off your meds again eh? There, there, now ducky… we’ve got a pretty, brand new jacket for you. It’s a little cool out here eh? Here… Your ol’ friends Rocco and Iron Mike will help you put on your pretty, new, white, jacket. You must rest now Ducky. Here’s a little shot from your favorite Nurse Bambi. Be brave now big boy… err… uhhhh… duck! You’ll feel a little prick! Later on well have some nice electro-shock therapy for you! Doesn’t that sound nice now? Relax now ducky… here we go! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee…….
————–<A Reply>————–
by Bubba
Senhor Quackito?


————–<Another Post>————–
by el Ducko
Pssst! Hey, Ostrito? Izzat you?
Don’ look now, but that business about duck forces attacking CW’s hideout has undergone a stunning reversal. A counterattack by some wacko named Waterbo during the confusion left everyone gasping for air for a bit, surprised that an ancient grudge of some sort had been exhumed and smelled so bad.Consequently, Comandante “El Ducko” rallied his forces in defense of Beloved Moderator Chuckwagon, re-instated him in his palatial townhome, and upgraded the facilities to include an extra smoker out back, just in case he needs to signal the rest of the brigade.
For his part, CW seems buoyed by the ground swell of support, and appears to have calmed down considerably, other than an occasional “Git yer feet off the couch! Where’d you grow up, anyway? …a swamp?” The feathered minions are learning to adjust, although there are occasional gripes about the lack of outdoor plumbing. (M. R. Ducks, don’t fergit.) …and Mister Arbuckle, he of coffee fame, seems more popular than ever. …although not nearly as popular as our Man of the Hour, make that Quarter of a Century or more, the one and only… (and the inventor of sausage-flavored coffee) Chuckwagon.Duk
:mrgreen:

 

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5 thoughts on “§ The Duck Blind – Backup”

  1. Ohmygosh! Scientists have located the planet from which El DuckO came several years ago. NASA’s Dawn spacecraft arrived at Ceres after an eight-year journey. We all knew the “alien duck” flew in from somewhere, but now we know it was a Duk “rock” in space called Ceres El Duk-Ohh! – the largest unexplored space rock in the inner solar system. Full of swamps and hot gasses (plenty of hot gasses), it served as home for the Duk until he came to earth, flapping his wings through space, with the specific intention of harassing Chuckwagon. It is believed that the long flight and the lack of oxygen has left El DuckO with 26.85% brain damage; thus his bad manners! Upon landing on Earth, the Duk crashed head first into Roosevelt’s nose on Mount Rushmore! Making a terrific “splat”, the Duck sustained further brain damage, believing he was actually an eagle, and was taken to the Fischer, Texas Waterfowl Sanitorium to recover! Today, fitted with a Duk helmet, he continues to walk into walls and fly into national monuments, yet releasing hot gasses and drivel! Danged rabid Duk anyway… Where’s muh’ .12 gauge?

    1. Hey Chuckwagon! The Duk flew to Minne-sot-a. had icing on his wings and a frozen flapper. I thawed him out and E-mailed him back to northern south Texas. There was gas as you said. Finely thawing out here, high of 36 deg.

  2. OOOOOoooo you danged rabid duck! Woo Hoo my gluteus maximus!

    Do you remember when you got dressed up for Halloween and put on your Fairy Godmother costume… complete with magic wand, jeweled tiara, and pointed ballet slippers? Yep, the raiment and regalia were first class! That is… up until the time you followed (duck waddling) me down the sidewalk… all the way downtown! Yes, yes… I was greeted by the mayor and shook his hand. You? You…. 🙄 You decided to show off and turn a pirouette in those pointed ballet shoes! Yup, that’s when you screwed yourself right into the sidewalk! 😯

    Danged rabid duck!

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